


A Hairy Situation

by Kaoru_chibimaster



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Don't Judge Me, Humor, Multi, Noctis Lives, OT4, Poor Prompto, Post Game, So dumb, nothing happens in this fic, okay i guess you can judge me if you want, older bros, this entire thing is just dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 04:27:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12763128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaoru_chibimaster/pseuds/Kaoru_chibimaster
Summary: Let's be honest, when one finds someone else's hair in between their buttcheeks, there needs to be an intervention.





	A Hairy Situation

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the random strand of hair I found in between my own buttcheeks last night. No clue how it got there…  
>  ~~you guys probably didn’t need to know that though~~

“Okay guys…” Prompto started. “Okay, we need to talk about this…”

He earned himself a questioning look from all three of his lovers as they lie in bed. They'd been getting ready for the night and had found themselves restless enough to stay up for a bit. Prompto had been wedged between Noctis and Gladio, Ignis on Noct's other side, letting his mind wander as the television droned on in the background. He was sure the other three weren’t watching it, after all Gladio had been staring into space, Ignis had been reading (he'd been so excited about the collection of braille novels that had been recently donated to him that his fingers had been skimming pages ever since), and Prompto was almost certain Noctis was half asleep anyway. But this was a matter that needed attention brought to it; one that had come back to Prompto in-between the chocobobites cereal commercial and the mini malboro cartoon brightening the room with its vivid colors. Prompto was prepared to be sufficiently dramatic about it on top of that. Which was why he’d had the offending item in question stashed in his night shirt pocket ever since that morning…despite the fact that he hadn’t been wearing it at the time…or his pj bottoms either which was probably what led to this situation in the first place. But still!

He pulled the strand of dark hair out of his pocket at that moment, brandishing it front and center for all to see (except in Iggy's case, but he'd get to hear about it).

“Who wants to fess up?” he asked.

Gladio raised an eyebrow. “Fess up to what?”

Ignis also raised an eyebrow. “Yes, I'm rather curious what it is that needs to be fessed up to.”

“Uh, hello?” Prompto waved the hair around. “Whose hair is this?”

“Why exactly does that matter?” Gladio asked, his brow now furrowed in confusion. Prompto rolled his eyes, peeved that no one was at least playing along with his dramatics.

“Because it was wedged in between my buttcheeks.”

Noctis' amused snort was as expected as it was frustrating. Frustrating because he had dark hair. Which mean he could very well be the culprit. Clearly this was all part of his evil master plan.

“…That’s what you’re making a fuss about?” Ignis asked.

“Well, you don’t need to worry about it, Iggy, ‘cause your hair isn’t this dark. But you two,” this was addressed to both Noctis and Gladio, “have some explaining to do.”

Ignis immediately went back to his reading, ignoring the other three. That was fine. This concerned the men directly to Prompto’s left and right. The ones who looked in no way guilty of their crimes. Well, okay, it really wasn’t that serious at all but it had bemused Prompto enough when he’d noticed it that he found himself unable to simply forget about it. After all, he’d spent _years_ with these three, had shared a bed with them for nearly as long, and not once had he ever found someone else’s hair in his butt. It was long and dark-colored and that told Prompto that it most definitely wasn’t supposed to be there, and that had stuck with him enough that he was at this point now. Looking between Noctis and Gladio and waiting for someone to admit that he was starting to go bald.

“What exactly are we supposed to be explaining Prompto?” Gladio asked, his voice deadpan. Prompto waved the hair in his face, noting in mild amusement how the larger man leaned away slightly.

“What do you think?! Explain to me why there was a hair in my butt!”

“Ask Noct, it’s probably his,” Gladio shrugged, still leaning away as he stared at the hair. Prompto turned to their king…who hadn’t budged an inch from his spot mostly snuggled under the covers, with only the top half of his head sticking out. His voice was muffled, but the others could still understand him.

“Obviously it’s mine. Don’t you know? I always stick my head up Prom’s ass every night after he falls asleep.”

“I knew it,” Prompto mumbled under his breath.

“You three are ridiculous. It’s probably just a loose hair that got moved around during the night. You do tend to toss every once in a while, Prompto,” Ignis supplied, still reading his book.

“There you go, problem solved,” Gladio said.

“No! Because no one’s confessed! It’s still the mystery hair!”

“Didn’t you hear Noct?” Gladio sighed, rolling his eyes. “It’s his. End of story.”

“Actually I think it might be yours, Gladio. Y’know how Noct’s hair is kinda silvery in the light? This one’s more brown…” Prompto told him pointedly. It helped to have already seen the hair in the sunlight…but he still wanted someone to admit to it so he could inform them that their hair was slowly leaving their head and entering some rather unconventional spaces. “You’re going bald, Gladio, I’m sorry.”

Again, Noctis snorted, and Gladio swatted at where he assumed the king’s rear end was. But this wasn’t about Noct’s rear end. It was about Prompto’s. He didn’t exactly enjoy finding hair that didn’t belong up his butt.

“I’m _not_ going bald. My hair was probably just pulled out when I moved my head against my pillow in my sleep.”

“Want me to buy you one of those granny nightcaps?” Noctis asked. This time Ignis snorted. Prompto even found himself grinning at the mental image.

“If it’ll keep his hair out of my butt,” Prompto started, cutting Gladio off before he could respond. “I’ll be glad to buy him one myself.”

“Both of you can shut it!”

“Hang on.” Noctis finally shifted out of his spot, propping himself up on a pillow. “Why do you even still have that? Did you seriously hang on to a strand of hair you pulled out of your ass? And then put it in your _pocket_?”

“Noctis, you’ve put your fingers in my ass and then stuck them in your mouth. Don’t even talk to me.”

Noctis conceded to Prompto’s point with a half nod and a shrug of his shoulders, prompting Gladio to laugh this time.

“Anyway, I only kept it as evidence. Now that we’ve established that it’s Gladio going bald—”

“I’m not going b—”

“I don’t really need it anymore. So yeah, that’s all I wanted to talk about.”

And with that, Prompto flung the hair away off the side of the bed, reaching over Gladio to do so. The shield sent him a slightly sour look but otherwise did and said nothing. Noctis slid back under the covers, this time covered completely by them. Ignis still hadn’t put his book down. Prompto settled into the covers as well. The room fell quiet again, with only the low tones of the tv breaking the silence. Eventually, even that turned itself off, just at a point when everyone was about to sleep. And finally, when Ignis did put his book down, he lay down on his side to face the other three.

“I do agree that you may need nightwear for your head though, Gladio. You tend to rub your head against the pillow a lot and the sound is a bit grating.”

Gladio shoved his face into his pillow and groaned.


End file.
